Mangi Fii ("I Am Here")

It's ok, Snowman, it's been a long winter.

If you are reading this, thank you for your patience with my updates. I'm happy to have one piece of news to share with you--The date of the Africa Mercy's return to Senegal was recently pushed back to June, 2021.

It is very tricky for Americans to return to the ship right now because of travel restrictions in the Canary Islands (where she is moored), so the most likely scenario is that I will join the ship once she is back in Dakar in a few months. If you're wondering how all of this affects my fundraising, you can click on the tab at the top of the page.

A common greeting in Wolof, the main language of Senegal, is the question Nanga def? ("How are you doing?") and the most common response is, Mangi fii ("I am here").

It reminds me of the greeting I learned in Benin. In 2014, when I was still new to that country and culture, I was surprised to see people look right at one another and ask, A ɖo finε à? ("Are you there?")

That question confused me for weeks. Why anyone would ever need to ask it was beyond me. I wished people would just stop asking! Of course I'm here, I felt like yelling, can't you see with your own eyes that I'm sitting right in front of you?? (If you are Beninese and reading my blog, I hope that makes you laugh!)

But kpede-kpede (little by little) I learned the right way to hear this question. "Hey, my friend. Are you present, here and now? Is your mind able to focus on what is in front of you? Are you making it through the day in one piece? Are you glad to be where you are in this moment? Are you as glad to be there as I am glad to see you?"

In my memory, the answer to this greeting was always "Yes", and when we say Mangi fii, it feels similar to me.

Yes, I am present.

Yes, I am focused on what is in front of me.

Yes, I am making it through the day in one piece.

Yes, I am glad to be where I am in this moment.

These are good reminders for me right now.

It has been strange to realize that by the time I return to the ship, I will have been in Minnesota for a full year. I can honestly say I never expected the pandemic to last this long (did anyone??) nor did I expect to spend so much time in the exact same place. A big shout-out to my wonderful parents for hosting me in their home for far longer than any of us originally imagined!

Comfort and growth are so often negatively correlated. Despite the discomfort of uncertainty, I feel genuinely grateful for the opportunity this has been to grow in self-knowledge and discipline through the course of the past year, and I think this gratitude will only grow as time goes on.

While it would be nice and neat to end this post right there, and say that the gains have felt consistently balanced with the challenge... real life is not always nice and neat.

There have been blessings in the past several months, and to be very honest with you, there have also been lots of tears, prayers, and anxiety. Waiting to return to the ship, where part of my life still resides; seeing plans repeatedly upended; and trying to look forward to a field service that will include heavy health restrictions has been uncomfortable and emotionally difficult. Counseling provided through Mercy Ships chaplaincy, and friends with whom I could be open and honest from week to week, were invaluable gifts that allowed me to process the grief I've been cycling through during this time. I would venture to bet that we have all grieved for something in the past year, in one way or another.

Despite the challenges, I would rather stay awake to my emotions, even the negative ones, than numb myself in this challenging season. I'm trying my best to stay awake and be able to say:

Yes, I am present.

Yes, I am focused on what is in front of me.

Yes, I am making it through the day in one piece.

Yes, I am glad to be where I am in this moment.

Although things may not be as I thought they would, I feel thankful for what is. There are many things in my life that wouldn't be there had I spent the last year on board the AFM, and are reminders of God's encompassing faithfulness.

Praying with other leaders for Hope Church's youth students at the start of the spring semester in January.

"God is exalted in power.

    Who is a teacher like him?

Who has prescribed his ways for him,

    or said to him, 'you have done wrong'?

Remember to extol his work,

    which men have praised in song.

All mankind has seen it;

    Men gaze on it from afar.

How great is God--beyond our understanding!

    The number of his years is past finding out."

Job 36:22-26

Thankful for this view from my desk!